Don't call us "Cold Hearted Snake," but American Idol's producers will need to "Rush, Rush" to replace Paula Abdul if she doesn't return as a talent judge next year. Is she coming back? As Paula tells TV Guide Online: "It all depends on if Simon and I get back from our honeymoon on time." (For the record, only Simon is signed on for season two.)

All jokes aside, fellow judge Randy Jackson wants the current Coke-guzzling panel kept intact. "I do think it's important," he says, "because I think the public relies on a chemistry that they know. We've hit a groove now. It's like somebody having a hit song and saying, 'Uh, no, I did a hit pop song, but I want to play folk music now. Why do you change something that's working?" That said, may we suggest a few critical contenders, just in case Paula skidaddles with Scat Cat?

Tiffany: This '80s pop starlet recently posed for Playboy in hopes of getting more public "exposure." So it's clear she'd adore Paula's high-profile gig. Heck, she's already critiqued Idol contestants as a guest on Extra — that's tantamount to Tiff beggin' for the job!

RuPaul: Without Paula to spar with, Simon could use Ru. During Idol's early auditions, a young drag queen sang a love ballad to the Brit and even kissed him on the cheek! So he's accustomed to handling campy, high-heeled troublemakers. Plus, unlike Pollyanna Paula, Ru wouldn't shy away from telling celebrity wannabes: "You Better Work!"

Taylor Dayne: As this ex-pop star once sang, "You Can't Fight Fate." Her recording career has as much spark left in it as Paula's — which ain't much, let's face it. Then again, Dayne did prove her mettle in Aida last year on Broadway. Plus, the blonde beauty can croon "I'll Be Your Shelter" for contestants who get stung by Simon's swipes.

Cyndi Lauper: Who better to uncover the "True Colors" of Idol's cutesy contestants and those irksome co-hosts, Brian Dunkleman and Ryan Seacrest? And you know this sassy chick from Queens, New York could easily match Simon's smart mouth "Time After Time." She'd also make a fine source of career advice to the show's youngsters, knowing full well that "Money Changes Everything." (Okay, we'll quit the song quips now.)

Celine Dion: Just imagine if Celine hogged the spotlight and shanghaied the mike away from performers á la Ana Gasteyer's Saturday Night Live impression. Trust "the best singer in the world" to show those amateurs how it's done. (It'd be more fun than a few weeks back, when Idol hopefuls dragged Paula onstage for a tribute to her own greatest hits — she looked too scared to sing!)